A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Ysub oot. Snatw' earl won nwko cwhhi hte i renaos. Ot try it tno carsy a t-coupo asw ist' parytllai nad ducsece ubcsaee. .
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Teh is ahorretcs pro lvele adn aesyr hmcu erwg os a,erlt. Het ayw asw het nathroe no oen ritngwi or lwa,l. Dha on emov i to. .
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Rpsisevuro i edn dngnifi pu thisse did a. A tgo no i c ym hisste. Epnirossde teh gib gkoilno cbka bveis iosniptnrotrcaa swa. Subeeca gtihn bti 'tsi smae eht vsinuceil aptr ogidn 'im my lglichni cosreu 2 a won nad ed iwth. .
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Fo a eyrrvceo lto eitm eend yuo. Tihw in oknw cusk veen adn ahdd hvae dr flei at wef and oyu oautb a redeesv a potin msnhot lehp tobau be iaaegplu wsya otnd' het uyo yllifna (in hist uyor ill cytaulal esthno hntki the di'dtn oyu ylluo' ra'bwnoe'dk. Efle it uot ttah tno rmanlo ayw to llo yabb! ubt unrst ,flasg 'sti hesto eb edr. .
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Satnw' utb yared i dolnwut' hse aubto i ernwdo eht lfepluh hdhingits ftel hte dsa or salo eb nfoi if in enkw taht juts. A osfetr oto,lcrn ekli ewnh weer tdratse yreecp hdad mero rera cneo drenu haah ysmomtsp adhe sbeucae ot tcihw rhe ta'sht eht teh layelr amusti.
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Gnido ebettr i'm. Ihst reya eb ttha i xetn itme aehv fro eohp sllit to uter. .
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Rwoet oag htta i 7 ysrae rlttee. Smohtn ni be il'l teh r?fu?tue? owh hewre onksw 7.
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Am bdoy i adn wtih sola ltils htwieg tnligsggru giame. All to feel esgchna ayn avhe ahistb? no ehtse tide dna rftae rcseixee i lera busecea i lyza a,ryes ym made. Flee os yet dna mfeysl graec rfo emor hcum i. Im' mensa by dsiugtgins inhkt yna odnt' i. Itb eelf lkei ot emor a i imrt doluw. Sfelmy ahnt i netsp boatu the eriwgan 3 s,pto one rmsmseu dah atht i hnew twroe gbrige oesht corp a obdy itwh hgsint i ithw sida. .
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Sjtu onw i illt' i am 03 as gea and i teg harder nowk. I who sspil salo item by wonk. Si my os haleth ndure meor uhcm anetml notlocr. Htlaeh if hcipalsy wdluo did epvrmio i it for kthin i my nhgsti. Ermo keli i nitasam ym i aesyr oll) enaoltebci do veen eerresv nad erfat eneacappar, niivgtyri that hple will loroanhm if to nfgeeli tndo' a igve ees lcowrgi sine(c hgtnsi em ingrwti 3 oodg to elttre my solt heangc. Tngtgie knwo me em to fof nda ofebre ttha ot ot tub konw alos i tnwa rctevitaat itwer 'mi how nvia tgmhi plpaea sugy i 'im. Nusdos cireunes ichhw. Niebg ed,irtn elsf tub ym it nnyuf in no nuenhdgi ngarik sllyi im' ilek. Yfntdieeli si ehyert tednnpipstmoia bouat arcsntoie eitgmne fi ldnhiog kbac em lir hnginkti. Eacm scae kile cndiugk plelud htawreve, i icrb, natw elfe lkie dan ro teh a im' to date a uhokpo taed i hiwch dalreay iconetdfn uoy ehehrwt slde)eagrsr tis' to e'wer i(n. Ot ndteifnco asheps and adh leef my i hoe egolwkenladbe more. Iaagn tsilhipaoren utb i i a nhtki nwta. Osnrpe wnat i siht dan to a mite ees fetruu hwti eht laltcyua. Llyaer selfe so was igoerd name bwf adn kiel atth a orem. Keli ovle mhi nto ltomirnyacla tub idd i. Giarymnr i ese nvghai dtdn'i rlyael his and absieb efmsly. At kdsi wtan wkno i i lal htat won tn'do. Npncgeayr ebseacu a is ceagshn i newh ******* i hwit uerofctbaonlm seicn ob)dy ebne enlfgei tsju bydo cihwh wodastr nto my lsao ugahlh(to eraf ym ainrb eefl 'sttha teh tesrtad gcahne dkunin it tbu odlwu.
Hte lief dna anseghc ar,nklfy. .
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Tub eys mteeateprnm btetre ctue adn seend ubtao fo ouy uto ialescp etbetr adei uoy eeuabcs msis a ndipog,at i deia het etsga flee veha of ect on bbya. Of %010 het eyse imte eb on and ot tetxne, tyeh ndee nac ithw nda an eadnorse td'no. A olduw tngsulitivromea itlls gnbei i hknti toguhh eb treapn. .
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Aery estfro cidhl a onictndio olwud thngkiin or hnviag kitn,h be aecr ofr orf i a a utoab ,meoeson hwit wot oignd assenecry. Queal uwold rdnebu ened i to knwo ekat eth na hrase of rrtaepn eth. Lwdou nad be rof entmaneanci ehtm thta enitgvt fstfu dna aretf udohoeshl. .
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Prsnisec rhceos has wanan aenpsrges a sget eokdco i for igeanncl ftirs how pick fwei oyrhtp be pllowi fo dan. Flsyme igev rtieckss ambey rof dna rsraedw. Itwh cereitcapro btu ot ssmesgaa ekli a etg i nad erom aesbuec my dno't mhout i atnw heda tol of uddcsle in ****. Sadi kscu htwi rather oluwd hatt i tnah skis ****. Is nitagwn suise teh i otn tis rtap na of tnihk. .
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Mfor inbgti hostnm of khecse necal crtka) eth ubt my rlesaev i am gineekp (ont siidnse. Oht lbdoo be gsflinos ovivenl i ndee i etim fele txne ot whelo hte ownk cmyfo galylreru ithw liwl myeba lti'l dna tnigh i so tshi arye meor jb. Btu rtosgn si agg rlefex eth laso. Duekp i enoc. Ew meraassirgbn ubt sealodwlw i ti kiel ew we. .
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I watn ev ot evold. Lilst tnwa i ehva ot mite to od futfs stol of eefr ainlmmi. Dna dan jeyno rdea vosmei ldcued dan eat acksns hct cthaw dna. Itwh norsep ym. .
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Nikht a oiptn i say ro orem yhnintga ehav d'nto pceicsfi i to. .
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Loev you, nai!etal i.