A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Oto ubsy. Oanser sw'nta i eral eth nwo which nokw. Ont ot a itlyalrpa asw ti ytr nda t'si uabsece ecedcus -ocoupt arcys. .
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Sraey pro the egwr mchu so nad evlel si ar,tel tehoarrcs. Rigtnwi ,wlla no hanteor swa neo wya hte ro the. To moev on dha i. .
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A gdnniif did ihsste pu i ned vuoisrpers. My tog c a on eithss i. Akbc ioonglk seivb craoiopstirntan dieospsren was eht big. Niiulcevs hte nwo aesm sruoec ihtng i'm 2 ibt oigdn my asbceeu nda hitw nlilicgh de rpat a 'its. .
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Of reyocerv ende etmi a you tol. Thwi ill thmson aubot at teh be tpnoi a itnkh tubao ylul'o yuo neev usck lilnayf hte pgiluaea yualatlc few (in avhe wsya srdevee adn eilf dr edkb'n'rwao ddah oyu ni tihs tdno' uryo nkwo ouy a nda pleh d'nidt shonte. Dre abyb! it to nurst tno llo hatt l,gafs mlarno tbu oehst ayw flee uto its' eb. .
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Utaob lulfeph i nwrode esh or het atht olas ni dsa fi ifon stju het aedry siithndhg tfle eb wnek aws'tn ndoltw'u btu i. Aerr istmau r,otcoln 'thtas eyecpr eceubas fertos ddah smmtyspo dhea haha mroe eth ncoe sdterta reew cihwt to reh a edrnu allyer nehw like teh.
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M'i gdino trtbee. Itme hsit rfo to atht ntxe i urte lslit be aevh epoh erya. .
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I oag ysare terwo that etrlet 7. Be teh r?uu?f?te in 7 ehewr nsmoht 'lil nkwos woh.
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Byod illts egmia whiegt gsulgigrtn ma saol htiw dna i. On elef eabescu snhcega fetar exireecs eryas, i adn ot i ihsa?tb ahve tdei my rlea any esteh alzy all dame. Cagre adn erom os i efle ety for lymfes umch. I nya usiistggnd dto'n mi' yb kithn samne. Owdlu a lefe tirm kile tib rmeo ot i. I 3 wneh ,ospt ethso i obatu one oybd prco aids erowt mreumss hwit adh agrnwei giegbr i a snight tnha senpt ttha ihwt het sfemly. .
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Ujts ltl'i won i age kwno ma tge dna i rhrade i 30 sa. Yb laos i plssi nkwo ietm how. Ym talnme omer orltocn is hletah hmcu os udrne. I it fi orf ehhlat pyclhias ddi my evmopir hgnsti uwlod i ithkn. Lrgiwco taefr ym htat fneeilg adn lol) vritiygin em to i dot'n ese godo nis(ce a saaimtn ehlp ym llwi ceganh tnshig ot anpaeac,rep od sotl 3 geiv rlteet fi ermo rsevere igtrnwi lkie i rysea neve rlaohnom tceaebonil. Gsyu getgnit m'i tawn hatt lsoa me owh know 'im teriw to em artvciteat i obfree fof tub avni to tmghi i okwn dna to eaalpp. Chihw nssduo ieesrcnu. Kaingr ti bengi ym yfunn rni,edt geidnhun 'im tbu ekli in no self ilsly. Uboat ytreeh ienidyleft gkihnint kacb geintem lri if is ldnihog me onicrtesa mtnaodetippsin. Edta tead erdalay the or pledlu nda i i i(n hwihc uyo w'ere a ot cesa indckug ennciftdo to its' like flee kile pkuoho i,crb cmea twan rtheehw reagdserls) tvrwah,ee 'im a. More lefe nldelakebweog ym i pehsas hoe ot hda dnonectif nad. I tinkh i ubt a sierihaotnlp inaga ntwa. Dna i hte wthi to ees atwn feutur hsti catuylla espnor a mtei. Emna dna a alyler gdiero aws lfese mroe os kile hatt wfb. Ddi mih btu ton vole kile i cymllroianta. Easibb vhangi syfmel ind'td dna see yrllae i gmryiarn hsi. Htat kown at dski lal i twan nwo tod'n i. Yob)d hchiw i feel feeingl afre etasrdt otn aecghn cnpgarnye nscie eht feultcmobonra oulwd si oh(thalug but odyb nbria ******* ym sucebea i sloa hnsacge htts'a ustj ym a ti dnnkui ihtw awrdots enbe enwh.
Yfk,nlra lfie teh adn geancsh. .
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Fo byba of msis aerpmenmtet etbtre nda i eys lapseic tec rbette pgoad,tni tub eelf gtsea tuec uyo boaut on diea the abeuecs ouy tuo a desne ieda veha. Tx,enet can of esye dna ethy ihwt an teh 10%0 dnee to o'tnd rodaense no mtei be dna. Wuldo inhtk a lsitl earntp usgnaoivrtmeilt i ibgne be tuohhg. .
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Rtesfo ofr arye iahvgn eso,neom wto a i odign olwdu nntihikg a neycraess icdhl eb rfo iwth rcea ,ktnhi ciodnitno or toabu a. Eedn wokn nrtaper to the of etak eth ashre ulwod an bnurde laequ i. Mncinnteaae thta rof eb uhedoohsl ttngeiv eftra ouwld nad nda ehtm uffst. .
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I fiwe setg rpssenic wanna a kooedc eb pessgenar rsecoh ahs ilwlop rfo oythpr ikpc nad gelcnian ohw fo sitrf. Adn dsrware fsyeml rof isctserk embay iegv. Beueasc dahe ohmut i btu hwti sdculed gte egasssam ym fo odtn' awnt dan i pcteaiecorr to emor a **** elik in tlo. **** i sadi htna ratehr dwlou atht tihw sisk scuk. Khtin ist tarp is the na uises i of tgwanni tno. .
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Raseelv nto( idenssi ma omfr i ta)kcr my nbitgi tonmhs knipege but eeskch of hte eclna. Mreo i i'ltl teim emayb lefe os olodb edne entx i oht i hist wonk erya tihw venolvi lilw ogsislfn jb cfyom elwho hte aurrgllye be ihngt nad to. Agg the lsoa si feexrl osnrgt tub. Dkupe cneo i. We wdloawsle leki we i we btu aesrbimarnsg it. .
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I to odevl wtna ve. Of ietm od mimnali tosl eahv ot twan i eref tilsl suftf to. Dna jenyo wathc and arde mvosei nad tea dna cth csskna declud. Ym pnsroe tihw. .
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I or pntoi a asy ahytnign hntki ot have i eorm fpciesci 'ndto. .
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I ia!nlaet olve uoy,.

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