A letter from Jan 06, 2024

Dear FutureMe, omg **** the prompt! anyways…hi…i’m back……and i’m late but i swear to gods i have some explaining to do. so um let’s start light i feel like i can pull from my notes to see where i was at during last year so let’s go. um well i just checked my first note of last year and well i don’t know what i was on saying i’m scared of chicken tenders. also i was a freak writing *** with rings on. sheeesh. i had something down for college and a movie i found really interesting but never finished it’s unfair that music is inaccessible for so many but that’s how life goes. white women are messy and i said what i said? like why are they like this¡ some stuff about women-men-always. i was sad ofc nothing new and that’s about all. NEXT FEBRUARY: i started with aaaaaas whatever that means and then fallen women which i think goes into that fact of how demonized women are in the world idk. it sounds nice sue me! at one point i really really did liked my body. body. i wanted to cry badly at a time too. it’s always hated when a teenage girl loves something. and i gotta learn to plant and love my flowers. not new to this or true to this! intermission–i just wanted to say that i really really do adore you and the person you’re becoming in all ways and aspects. i pinky promise. like every year all you gotta do is learn. i think one day imma write on my birthday to myself and send it 10 years later. i want to switch it up at this point cause now it feels like an recounting of what was in my notes at the time and not my genuine feelings i have for 2023. so: at the forefront of my mind: my lack of self and sense identity. big stuff. it just randomly hit me last night that i don’t know who i am. you know how scary that is to think? like it’s so disturbed. i went to college. dropped out of college. i don’t care to discuss that ever at all like i really flunked. all my mental health has been at a severe decline since november so can you blame me? i really wish i could continue school where i was in new york but oh well cookies crumbles. i have a strong sense that everything works out (that’s what i tell myself to keep things at bay) i had an amazing roommate that i will miss deeply. i met this one girl a i swore i was flirting with her but if you do enough digging…anyways i don't know if i really liked her she put me on edge and was really opinionated. womp womp. so another thing that has been scratching my being is my *********. like i’m reconsidering myself. mind you during my SECOND semester of my senior year i had a hard crush on a BOY. like oh? that’s where we r? i still don’t think i’m over him like it’s sick but i’ve moved on. anyways ME. what if i like girls. like i feel like i do but do i? i would love to have a wife one day like at this point everything i hear about men is so negative. like actually insane. but like i KNOW i am attracted to men women is just more confusing. like objectively all women are better than men and like how are you with a man when there’s women? what brought this up surprise surprise, billie eilish[yes i’m still a fan omg]so mad that i didn’t get to see her last month while i was in school, like it literally could have been one good thing to end such a crappy year for me but oh noooooo. back to what i was saying tho so i think i got rehashed in mid november she came out queer, unlabeled whole statement about her liking boys and girls but like with that made me look internally in me? cause i have the biggest crush on her regardless of what she’s doing. so now for the past 2 months i’ve been rethinking about the interactions i’ve had with women. and the question that now poses is did i like her or did i want to be her? i think the first time i really had eyes on a girl was in like first grade. there was a girl named sharai and omg i was obsessed. i recently realized that no one in there straight mind would ever right someone’s name on bathrooms stalls. DO YOU KNOW HOW DERANGED THAT IS? and the jumping through hoops i did to try and one day get to know this girl…jesus christ i basically wanted to be put on sooo bad. but like there was other girls too who i think i had interest in like last year i swear she was a ***** but she was cute. another girl who i like in middle school omg i let the girl burn me…AND ILL DO IT AGAIN WHAT WHAT!! i guess i can say it was both that i wanted to be them and with them. i admire them for how cool they were and also wanted the attention they received. this letter took a real different turn from where it started but hey that’s where i am in life. i hope i soon will be able to get back to school i really want to study film and photography and probably double major with something more substantial and sufficient. oh and i saw my big sister sometimes she’s so pretty! and here daughter is kinda odd but i like that for her. i have a new dog and cousin/niece who is adorable. my brother is homeless and so am i low key. my bestie not the closest but while get there i love her. this is feeling rushed atp sooooo love you bye see you next year<3 ps i also got a tattoo and three more piercings. :) also i wrote soooo much and i can’t write for **** in school.. two words