A letter from Jan 29th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, If you remember correctly I saw the ad for this on youtube and realized that this would be a very "me" or really "us" thing to do. This is the fIrst of many letters I will write. Some to reflect on our growth, some to contemplate our choices, some to remind us that we have lived the good, bad and the UGLY! As I sit here and type this first letter from the table at work (Liberty ) at 2 am, I wonder where will I be when I read it again? Will I have finally put aside my doubts and vexations and started my pysch path? Am I any closer to that prestigious Phd I have been clamoring after since I learned school can bloom into academia? Ive certainly deviated from the Phd i wanted but thats ok. Ive learned that sometimes making your passion your work ******* the passion. Already, sitting here writing this letter to you, to us...well to me lol, well I am already a different person than I started out all those hungry years ago. 33 years old, with a tumultuous past and an uncertain future hanging in the balence. Ive began to feel the years pass tooo quickly and the burden of not being where I want to be. However, I have made some ground this year. I applied and was granted the promotion to HSIII...so far anyway. Ive survived my first investigation, and its seems will be riding out a similar storm later. But we shall soon see if I survived yet another tsunami. I was watching Encanto with the kiddos and I realized my life theme song is Surface Pressure. Fell in love with it immediately. Ive lost some friends and gained some new enemies but all in all I am in a position to get to where i want to be, with some more elbow grease. The kids and I have been on numerous adventures despite covid. So many state and national parks! Finally made it to Chicago! We all fell head over heels for the windy city, even managed to get some culture in with the Kiddos. The Van Gogh immersive exibit was amazing. You watched your brother get married, and divorced 2 months later coincidentally. Managed to hold down a new house and a new car and this job. I guess being a workaholic really is my addiction. But the life we are living says its worth it. You have coached all three of your children's soccer teams, ( Queen Bees, Mischief Managed, The Mandalorians) and kept your children in TKD, cheerleading, and soccer. I am in awe of us. Sure we have sacrificed alot of sleep, but we are winning the fight for a normal life for the kiddos. You can call your mother and tell her about life without shame. Everyone who said u were going to fail, and lose the kids because of him have been eating crow for years now. The pain is still there, but the healing has begun. Our low points are mainly that Jt still lives with us (yes youre ex lives in your basement) and Haddie had a scary out burst that lead to you figuring out you don't know your kids at all. Atleast not as well as you had hoped and prayed to, and definitely not her. You are at the tricky part of parenting with her, the part that feels like your walking a fine but sharp edge. Any sudden, and not thought out movements will result in disastrous consequences. Pushing Haddie the wrong direction, away from you. Im sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you have also come to the conclusion that Mothers and daughters never fully understand each other until the younger becomes a parent. The bitter taste of reality is that daughters naturally resent their mothers, and though you fight it, you find yourself more and more reminiscent of your mother . And thus being true, you find yourself beginning to understand her more as well. Yes It is terrifying. It also brings a certain curiosity of thought, in that I wonder how you will remember all these events. What time will do to the interpretation, the memory, the feelings and emotions of this year. I have Haddie signed up for therapy, so Im sure there will more letters down the road filled with tears of the past and pent up frustrations. Being a mother really is the hardest thing youve ever done and yet youve taken to it so naturally. Thats not to say you havent had your moments or your mistakes. Thats why its called a learning curve tho, right? Well we are drawing to an end of this first letter. I will warn you that despite your OCD tendencies, past you is making an executive decision that you will not be receiving these letters in chronological order or numerical (as in the order in which they were written) either. No these next letters will bring tidings to you from all over the road map, called your past. I hope that you have started blogging again, so that you can begin including these surprises and record your responses to them in the blogs. Maybe one day this letter will be an opening chapter in the book weve been compiling for years now. A culmination of letters, blogs and reflections. A book of life so to speak. Ps I know this has been bothering you this whole time...and yes Im chuckling about it...but tonight ....**** apostrophes! <--- sometimes it be like that (2021!) with a little bit of January 2022 in the mix