A letter from Jun 10th, 2021

Dear Melike, I'm you, but from the past. You're currently sitting on your bed. Today sucked, you overheard mom talk to family, saying she would send you to a camp to lose weight, so you've been listening to Rex Orange County Live and crying. I hate myself because I cannot ever put my thoughts into words, EVER. All I can tell you is that you want to die. It's okay, it's a small goal but accomplishing it would set you free, I think. The thing is, I'm too scared to actually **** myself, I'm just waiting to catch a deadly disease, I'm eating myself to a heart attack, hopefully. Mom doesn't make me feel good, she thinks that she's trying to make me feel good but what she's trying to do doesn't matter because she's failing. Being my mom doesn't give you the right to control every single ******* thing I do. I'm 19 ******* years old and you're sending me to summer camp because YOU don't like MY body? **** off! I have no job, I'n fat, no license, no future, why? Because I don't give a **** anymore. I wish I could tell mom that I just do not care anymore, although I have in the past but she always brings it back to my weight. "Mom I want to die" — "it's because you don't love yourself, if you lose weight you'll feel confident" ... that makes me wanna end it all, mom. I blame you and dad bringing me to this planet, you should've gotten an abortion when you could've. **** you! I will regret this in a year but hey– will I even be alive in a year? Who knows, maybe I'll lose it and just **** myself instead of waiting for an inconvinience to happen. Seriously tho, does jumping infront of a car count as suicide? I don't want my mom and sister shaming me for giving up, I really think if I ****** myself, they'd think little of me, like always. My sister pretends to care about me but oh does she love to make me feel miserable. She LOVES reminding me how she's better than me— **** her too. She has a job, pays for ****, is skinny, that makes her way better than me, she's not useless. They always interrupt me or don't let me talk but whenever I bring it up they tell me I'm dramatic. NOBODY IN THIS ******* HOUSEHOLD CARES ABOUT WHAT I THINK OR FEEL... I don't feel good here, maybe summer camp isn't too bad, I won't see this nightmare of a family for a whole month, lowkey worth it lmao. The summer camp is in Turkey, which my sister and mom are going but my sister is forcing me to go because I'm the only one that can defend her when the topic of her marrying our cousin is brought up... yes, mom is trying to force incest upon my sister and cousin. I don't care, she can kiss my ***. I'm not going, I think I'm gonna run away from home, ****** someone and get thrown in jail, rot away. It sounds like a pleasure. This letter will be sent to you in a year and future me, this is my plan. I'm gonna start sparing money RIGHT THE **** NOW, if by the time this letter is sent to you (in a year basically) and you're still in the same situation, same mindset, and you haven't died yet, RUN AWAY! Run away from home, I'll spare money, take it with you, take your gold with you and get a ticket to America or something. Find a sugar daddy, sell feet pick idk— ?! Find a living to survive, become a fcking stripper idk it's America ffs, but run away. I hope I'll be dead by the time this letter is sent tho but if I'm not... there's your plan. You're welcome.