A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Are eylcmeptlo gitlakn ni won, my ,eelrt)t to 21ts my (owh udepsi erya nad oyu dnwo efil 23 gchndae ttha ni mi’. Nad it btse eilf my het was year sotrw of. Ew rugho s‘odmna’y teihdcd a ym s1t2 hidtayrb arteg asw e,on hptac tno as ggoin a oughrht ym ewre em. Thwi i coem uthutohorg any era,y ti epmerebts doulw dan mthe cungrbmil nultw’do ttha deifnrs eth i eb kwon eht lla fo elltit idd yaw ownd by. The atth yuo or hosck ,uoy fo thmig fro dnt’o htbo iedrc o,ywrr ,uetps i’ve geunho su ekam utb. Adn esme ahtw nwta yhte w,kno lal mossiemte epople ta’ren atht i uyo ot. Atht my naoser le,fsour tjus lpeepo so etehr fo ti pats itnul anym yuo 12st rae so uonrda omfr etllit that hnikt htat hte ew ear are asileer arey we taltncoysn d’nitd. That i ecmeab adn podprde laso daeruagt out ’didtn r,aye tnlinesye i lausiicd. Tgo hwit my uowdl kwon pdelips ont btu oneoesm i lefi …gayo ned rof i tind’d love who to up a owhutti beal itno i ti ghtuorh gienb liev who doenwunf dna. Mtielhcl uro. Voel tjsu my nda in ttah se’h is ,me reiscetpvpe lwudo uyo ndgheca eilf ihm rowd,l erthveniyg etcplleyom trghi on hits ehs. .
Off and rugdatdea ugohht up irtngaugda ym tihw st21 iun edn uylj 2230 raey trfea eyra m,e a ddi i a i i tenw ni ackb in 12:. Yuo ulowd eb so upord. Ma os rdoup i. A sifrt ceepprntio fo :) dna was dae,t pu dna off srkma otrtidnssaei no ,no enigb eth acemteihevn sggbeit a ot cnuilonglse ddnee my ist’ my i few.
.
Ended mlhl,eict ,reid a tuo viigln neeb erev pu sbet ’ist hte dna imnovg utb inidsoce iwht i. Gdaardn tlo ,arye saw a itgrh rotsideintas tnwirig and ti the and ddie in ,urth a ym kochs ldmdie of ti last. Ouy i a imh wyyana dtnclu’o lal tub tfrea go iivts ecom tmnsoh peoluc ta dlouc llte otrwe ot a see eafrt atht fo yuo ,home hmi elet,rt otni uot dna ouy i go eh dna n,koldwco dah ot yuo swih. Ckba o’ndt irevsuen l,l)iw eht (i bda eelf nwko ash uory ouy os.
.
Tlle i colud shwi etsehr uyo nhgsit i hatt. I fo owh uoy elik ma ouprd. Artle fo erysa i aws in iwhs ot renkdi hte i woh iadsnet you 4 nmomte. Smepiro i gienahl i o,yu tbu am. Heav i fymsel eoths bn,ee ot aws dna oebdbr d’ont ot evre our hlae on i su rpats ielk, that fo aehl hatn frousel sylefm ienrn gnirwok dnerki am wdrain am i fmor we to hildc ibgen. N,ow sa dan uro npewhes nda eeincs escuabe sithgn sa ma ibdrtahy no titell helpde sehnepw ihts a oruy ew nda 4 ’im ’atren a ndfuo lutrreync gingo sey( vhae tou ginpmo rhreotb i l)tr,t!e!e th13 ’id wrniitg llew tib faret itgrh we. Ma i no sothgneim is tub atht nwokrig. Urht fele wnroigk os bnsdraieuo on ttha we maroeyn ma i not’d htis. Hwti eleopps u,s uosr nxteaeiocpst uor is dale ti ot otn ont ot yhte dloh toher of rea ieitrisbylnsop. I wkno e’ruyo a and otl of taht odnghil. Tnighs oyak onwd ’mi etilnlg s’it to upt uyo ehtos. Uoy t’is loepep yako idnopipast to olve. ’sti teihr tis’ lfe,i soryu nto ceebusa. Ahs on thod’nuls tno dna eb osdluh uyo ltel lief hwat ayiatccp gndoi ubecaes oyur eles gnviil oen teh ouy etryhe’ to. Yaterli rea yhet hawt lla htta rea cssaecsreoi ot re’oyu to yrou ietsessnw ngdio. Taermst tngohni me. Uyro npheepda, it teh ti udlwo kbac, fi uiseenvr vhea illw uevodl’sh vhea. Iocidsnes ormf htotwiu it rtisf any deam i yfull atap(r lchiteml i thta nad uoy iospmre hnvae’t nnighkit uhhrgto. . )oevl? gfhit cusea cna how. No of dyafetphxire be oknw teh hsit i erltet rdfeisn asyonmd htiw su yo’llu not tou all eginb fo. In tinshg tbu lefi a’ntc cofer this yuo. Nwko odgo ubt godo tno tyeh ofr eewr eahc ti ,su tno etrho yethe’r eyht rof ndot’. Teh nad meor hatw fhedrisnip oyu era uyo are gienv humc so evricdee of adn tanh erew dan os torwh cmhu levo uoy peyt teetrb. Gnstih what uro teh ut,o cludo awrdwka maledb us ecom is oolwefld i yhte to to to enbig ti are yhte dne m)e utb ehtor oiptyearnls na,sdyom eucbeas kcatta hte saw hent iwhs h(ciwh wloleda i tcu oyru too na na den to on wihuott enhw ecohs and ti hspneifdir say. Auebesc rae aer ’evuyo aitssnens tub nnhkgiit none roue’y eth iwth fo adtrete hwrot like wneh lal atbuo and ee’ythv tosl is nto oyu opelep the ,rldwo uyo rtowh. Teh epnds tyorhw fo ym genib ni idetnn u,oy ruuetf to nad ,fsymle adys su i.
.
Srr,oy mi’.
,em eaples oferigv.
Khtna uo,y.
I you lvoe.
.
,lvoe.
Old x reay me 23.