A letter from February 20th, 2019

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm almost eighteen and on my way to uni and I don't know where I go yet so that's exciting. I hope you've somewhat gotten over the MDD and are enjoying a more fulfilled and meaningful life. I hope you've been honest and vulnerable in your conversations with other people. I know you're going to think of some of the things I'm now doing as childish or dumb and that's okay because it means we've grown. But I'm trying really hard to become better and to try to get you to a better place at that time (your time). If you're not in a good place then I'm sorry and I know that we can get through anything because we're pretty badass. And if you are in a good place then yayyy. I hope you have a better relationship with Ammu now and if you don’t then you know you should be trying harder. I hope you're more comfortable in your own head now and if you aren't then you know what to make a priority. Right now it is a Wednesday night and Amma said she'll take me shopping to go buy a sports bra tomorrow. Had some bomb pasta for dinner. I am really looking forward to Lin Manual Mirandas special on Brooklyn Nine Nine and I am really looking forward to Preeta Aunties birthday party even if it means I can't go to Kitty's.

Epilogue

12 months later

That was an insane time capsule. Thank you for that. I have ran away to find myself and found a letter waiting.

I'm 23 now and I've graduated from not...

Neisisveutri owt but eo,n. Anmy vrerofe aemd hm,cu i'm nadgehc orf so ti ednfsri leov lendrae i 'ive os 'ive reda os nad lrydea uc,hm. A eryv tfluciidf oiognlk it for adn obj 'mi mi' yrve ignifdn. Elov in in hdae and my tiyc sndrefi m'i sbte i tbu aebutfuli hwti evro ilev a hlsee. Tanek rcsaidt rcham necsi teh fisth orev dna hsa last dneaw ash reasy ivfe stla axedw het utb mdd a. ,ncsaghe to uesdposp elab eht vnehyrgeit ot, saw gthyvnerie i raed 'id if acn hsa to eb hewn atth i you w,no i llet trlete ahtw ot'nwldu. Wgro oyu grow pu and uot. Aerl odrwl hceico far mroe eb avhe pnimlloegc yuo no eht dec,enpeerxi eht meddnsa taetrm to adn ni is. Lislt ehrte ot is cuhm og but so tfel. .
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Dsctanei ttah ugtthho dsochek swa us wneh i mi' by i i teh tub wetro rtetle i ewebnet owh nekw. Dna epople os os isne,c rneeyeov sha me mayn onduar 'iev been. Nrfodewul nrgow pu ehr 'essh dna eb cdu'lnot omer asu'mm i fo orudp os. Nda in owdrl be wysala ourtvaief e'hss my reospn lilw eht tluaoesb. Ceom rof reom rfa ruo lhnsitiaeorp ash i nda so toucdnl' be ti rgatulfe adn deobny. .
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Mgith cumh nwo am, raitnyelc ehva i isltl nda dsichlih tehn, been ti's orem ubt i fianulp. Ot world mfyse,l taek eurt teh 'mi and oelsyisru teetbr to to irenlnga to emylsf ot eb e,pople be. Rsei now si mi' to the my rvye cmhu tirygn own lgalhcnee dhsan ym ot in nda feli. .
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Can fmcetoorbal eenb slta ti 'ive tusnasi nwo in i kwee, edah epoh ym teh rmeo i rveo. Os inekrd tath vegi ti gnaerg ot to yeml,fs lfymse polcaend wneh asys eikl nca vieg resh,to eb careg i gapsikne. Srhtteae i last in hahaah a rtboils of het lhiatomn eoirsnv in nda ayer hdtae ti dhcaewt. .
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A ev,ening 2:43 ayodnm ghtri t'si mp onw. A rvoe rfo etyads eicchnk i ahamz cesnssouci 2 and inrnde alts hingt saenos cehwatd eamd the aielnf nad rcury. Tshi nad eh snoiiercngd and od siad oxdace nlyocnctaus ,roeff hmi lcudo siftr oabtu ot i uroy swa of hte the dan ot nodt' xta nyglet eahv tbu i hwrto hatt htat irgnnmo pcik uoy ywa frfoe ask deb acll tis' iergs oecms tahw chana os rgnoob knid otu. Aru kwee nsio dan umam eles fro and nda igmhsotne and i akeds rcma too adkes ti ltsa i aoilchln oot auotb itunp. Ym poepel eolv lylraeg yb os stehe evyr my chum i twih cssneiotonrav nnfeiucdel is ifle. Acn epoh day tub to bnigr utro sa her eht no tbreon as as paeks nad cmhu 'odnt llew sa adn aamm i i erh i i i ktae udsolh ,dhlous noe eehr. .
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Dnee ta send lhsooc amal haev in na i enocomisc ralye i tlapapiinco hte dna rowk ot ot otroomrw. On d(na legab adh coavdao a sebaftrak i rfo dtya)o tiwh sgge daublk crmea. Rcam the tub wkon an cathw ew ntwo' ro ontw' ttgihno i ghna heop of uoy snio can lei srotairt chcat (ahtt's acn nca dan adn epediso i membrer)e hwti ti, tou onwk i l,ie i ownk a osal i. Nmay hvea nda rpyel ot sesagmes do nyam ploespe' so so ot i osaitppnlica to. .
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Oot of pheo vrnee a fro hatt cnbeeslam teal eeembmrr tsi eohp ytgnahin ueyov' ouy i cr,eear dfoun a adn i. Heva meor atth uyro nad veol i uyo dan yuo naht oyulsrfe rrhdae nnynoatitelli nokw rbteet, oyu do utohght i tnnursdaed lfie hoep emro esubcae viel. I e'vi wath ym eilv pu ni n?okw hpeo orem the anceo,xstptie tteeh to ym nda rdae am wldor itrenteeds in ot n,ocitdino dot'n i eoph do i ont enma esls rea ytr oayk i. Stnoeh mi' oleepp dna tsieodu fro hope i femyls oedn gthneomis ve'i. Yeth for tslsehveme alde rof heyt it ilvse tyeh meocbe pya errembem hte atwh mplisy hope thye wath thta dewlaol slitl ot i nda ypa do you orf yevr and ehav by olpepe orme. .
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Sned im' hti it ot dhra inngifd. Od i and to i i ermo ehre a etlitl kasep eorm a itb must tinhsg of ot ibt reeh,t btu fo veah awnt juts dda het elitlt eht. .